Lazarus Stinks

The lost conversation between Jesus and Lazarus

Jesus called in a loud voice, "Lazarus, come out!" The dead man came out, his hands and feet wrapped with strips of linen and a cloth around his face. Jesus said to them, "Take off the grave clothes and let him go." (John 11:43)

Jesus: “Hey welcome back Laz! Pretty nifty trick, huh? First you’re dead now you’re not. Probably never saw that coming!”

Lazarus (squinting): “Yeah, no, it’s a big shock. I don’t know what to say. Thanks I guess?”

J: “Well it was no small effort. Even for the Son of God. People think it’s just a matter of muttering a few magic words and poof! Resurrection! But there’s a lot of concentration involved. I have to work myself into the right state before my God-like powers can manifest themselves in the corporeal realm. Think power lifter. Anyway, no sweat.”

L: “What do I do now? Do I need to find a job? I feel like my skills may have diminished while I was, you know, dead.”

J:“Put your faith in the Lord and He will provide.”

L: “That sounds great and all. But I feel like since you resurrected me, maybe you could give me some advise on how to move forward. I didn’t exactly account for the ‘post-death’ phase of life when I was planning my future.”

J:” Well I got you this far. At some point you have take some responsibility for your life. I may be the Way the Truth and the Light, but I’m not running a jobs program.”

L: “I just feel a little used, like I’m just a prop in this whole ‘Look at me, I’m the Messiah’ schtick. We get it you’re powerful. Most of time you’re too humble to show it off but every now and then you gotta put on a big show, something that’s gonna get people talking. I get it. But where do I fit in? The fact is, you get all the credit, people sing your praises, and then you move on to the next miracle, meanwhile my wife gave away all my possessions, and it seems like the stable boy has gotten quite comfortable around MY house.”

J: “Look you’re just a little irritable. I know what I’m like when someone wakes me up. I can only imagine how jarring this must feel. But I didn’t bring you back just so you could question my motives. I’m all about Love, everyone knows that. If you want to question my reputation than I guess I could return you to that musky tomb. That is if you find life so...inconvenient.

L: “Look I’m not saying I’m not grateful. And your powers are super impressive. I’m sure people will be talking about this for years to come. This could very well cement your legend as top messiah. But I’m just a footnote. I’m just gonna be remembered as Lazarus- “the dead guy who came back to life”, and not Lazarus “legendary wit and raconteur”.

J: “Hey, I don’t write the scriptures. I just do my thing and word spreads. I’m not in this for the glory. I’m just fulfilling prophecies and trying to leave a mark. Trying to please the Old Man like any good Son of God. I can’t say it’s not burden sometimes. The only child of the Creator of the Universe? Talk about expectations.”

L: “I hear you. My dad was a big time sheepherder. One day he said, “you have no talent for shepherding. You are not my son”.

J: “Ouch”

L: “Yeah no kidding. That’s when I turned to drink.”

J: “I can’t blame you. And I thought my Dad was a tyrant. His whole, “You must sacrifice yourself to redeem the sins mankind” thing really gets on my nerves. Like how does that even work? Adam and Eve sinned, all of mankind is guilty, and somehow I’m supposed pay for that? That’s some twisted logic. But I just put my head down and try to fulfill my divine destiny.”

L: “You’re a good man Jesus Christ, don’t let anyone tell you different.”

J: “Actually I’m half God. Or technically all God and all Man. It’s confusing. Identity’s a weird thing. Lots of code shifting. Some people want me to be Jesus “Savior and Messiah”, and other times they just want someone to share some mead with and complain about their wives. Sometimes I just want to be a thought of as regular guy, an average Job.”

L: “Speaking of Job, I could still use one.”

J: “Ah, I see what you did there. Maybe I could talk to someone in the carpenter union.”

L: “I was thinking maybe something in sales. I’ve always been a people person.”

J: “You may want a new outfit. And maybe some deodorant. No offense (holds his nose). I can conquer death but the stench of death is no match even for me.”

L: “Thanks for the tip. And maybe put in a good word for me with the Old Man.”